alright, so i’m not really sure how to start this, so i’ll just go.
okay. about a year ago i was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. i had never been able to stay home by myself and i slept with my mom in her room until i was about 13, because i was so scared of being alone. so my mom took me to the doctors and that’s when they diagnosed me. so yeah. after i got diagnosed my situation got worse, and i started cutting, i started cutting on my hips, and i would cut and just watch the blood pool out of my skin, and it made me feel better. but i had cut so much on my hips that i started to feel like cutting my hips didnt really have all that much of an affect, so i started cutting more, on my hips and my ankles, and then i moved to my arms. i would cut in front of my family underneath a blanket or in the back of the car because i couldn’t go an hour without the satisfaction. i went to the bathroom in school and cut, i cut all the time. it was the only thing i thought about. and cutting made my confidence go down the drain. and i started looking at myself and seeing fat, and ugly. and so i started counting calories, and i ate less, and then i stopped eating all together, and i was anorexic. every time i saw myself i just saw fat. and i started losing weight. but then my sister bethann found out, and she started watching me eat, and would force me to eat food. i started gaining weight back and i hated it. and so one day after i ate went in my bathroom and shoved a toothbrush down my throat and made myself throw up. and so after every meal i ate i threw up. i would wake up in the middle of the night, to do it, and after lunch at school i would throw up. but then my gag reflex messed up and i couldn’t throw up anymore, i would just gag and cough. and so i went back to being anorexic. but this time my mom found out, and threatened to tell my counselor and so i forced myself to start eating again, and my mom would watch me and everything. and i would still be cutting and telling myself i was fat, and i still counted calories and it was really, really hard to get over. and through all this is had a boyfriend, and he was amazing. and he supported me and tried to help my through everything. and in time i based all of my happiness on him. and we dated for a while, but eventally we broke up, but we still acted like a couple. and we till did couple things, so it’s like we never even broke up. and then i found out he kissed four different girls, and had sex with his ex girlfriend, and i was broken down. and i couldn’t eat or sleep, and i started self-harming even more. and i started thinking that nobody wants me and i don’t deserve to live. and nobody would notice if i was gone, and i started planning my suicide. i had about 5 different plans. i was going to cut my wrist, overdose on prozac, hang myself, drown myself in the pool, or jump off the top of my house. and i decided to go with hanging myself. so one day, i was home alone i wrote my suicide letter, and i went downstairs and got a rope and i tied the noose and i was just about to hang the noose from the cieling and my twin sister came home. and i was NOT letting her be the one to find me. and so i hid the noose and acted like i was okay, which was something i had gotten very good at. and i planned to do it the next day. but my sister found out about it and she was crying and my mom walked in and she made me tell her everything. and i started crying and i confessed all of it. and i showed her my cuts, and my scars. and she told me she was taking me to the hospital and i had a panic attack and so she said she would take me in the morning. but instead she took me to my counselor and my counselor put me on suicide watch, and so i couldn’t be anywhere by myself. and i got more prozac and i’ve been taking it, and its only been about a month and i’m already feeling better. and i’m not saying any of this for sympothy or attention, i’m saying it because i’ve been through a lot. and i want you, no matter WHAT your problem is to talk to me, and i will help. because i may have been there. and i want to help. because i am getting better, and you can too. <3